Every November, we’re reminded to count our blessings, focus on the good, appreciate what we have, look for the silver lining, and be grateful.
Gratitude is a beautiful thing! Yet I wonder if we’ve turned gratitude into another thing we’re supposed to get right? Another expectation. Another practice to perfect. Another way to measure whether we’re approaching life with the right attitude.
What happens when you’re genuinely grateful for your life but you’re also struggling? When you love your family but also feel exhausted by their needs. When you’re thankful for your work, but also feel overwhelmed by its demands. When you’re surrounded by blessings and still carrying grief, disappointment, uncertainty, or loneliness.
Can we make room for both? I believe we can. In fact, I think that’s where a more honest and meaningful kind of gratitude begins.
When Gratitude Becomes Another Form of Pressure
We hear a lot about the benefits of gratitude, and for good reason. Research suggests that regularly practicing gratitude can support psychological well-being, strengthen relationships, and help us notice positive experiences that might otherwise get lost in the noise of everyday life.
But there’s an important distinction between cultivating gratitude and using gratitude to override what we’re actually feeling. Think about how often we hear, or tell ourselves:
You should be thankful for what you have. Other people have it so much worse. Just focus on the positive.
These statements may come from good intentions, but they can also communicate something unintended: That our difficult feelings are somehow inappropriate. That sadness means we’re ungrateful. That frustration means we’re failing to appreciate our lives. That we should be able to think our way out of discomfort.
And when we begin judging ourselves for what we feel, we add another layer of suffering to an already difficult experience. Now we’re not just sad, we’re criticizing ourselves for being sad. We’re not just overwhelmed, we’re telling ourselves we have no right to feel overwhelmed. And that’s not gratitude. That’s emotional invalidation dressed up as positivity.
Your Nervous System Doesn’t Respond to What You Think You Should Feel
Here’s where the science becomes interesting. Our nervous system is constantly responding to information from both inside and outside our bodies. It responds to stress, uncertainty, perceived threats, relationships, memories, and physical sensations, often before we’ve consciously made sense of what’s happening.
You can intellectually recognize that you have a wonderful life while your body is still experiencing stress. You can feel grateful for your relationships while your nervous system responds to conflict or disappointment. You can know you’re safe in the present moment while your body remains activated by something that reminds you of an earlier experience.
And simply telling yourself to be grateful doesn’t necessarily change that physiological response. This is one reason I place so much emphasis on somatic awareness in my work. Rather than immediately trying to change what we’re feeling, we begin by noticing it. Where is the tension? What is happening with the breath? What emotions are present? What thoughts are repeating? What does our energy feel like?
These are the foundations of what I call the Body Compass™, a practice of listening to the information our bodies are offering without immediately judging, fixing, or overriding it. And sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is acknowledge: I’m grateful for so much in my life. And this is hard right now.
Both statements can be true.
The Difference Between Gratitude and Spiritual Bypassing
There’s a concept in psychology and spiritual communities called spiritual bypassing, which describes the tendency to use spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid confronting difficult emotions, unresolved experiences, or uncomfortable realities.
And while gratitude itself isn’t spiritual bypassing, we can sometimes use it that way. We reach for appreciation before we’ve allowed ourselves to acknowledge disappointment. We look for the lesson before we’ve processed the loss. We insist on finding the positive before we’ve given ourselves permission to feel the pain.
Healing isn’t about replacing every uncomfortable emotion with a more acceptable one. It’s about developing the capacity to be present with our experience without becoming overwhelmed by it or needing to escape it immediately.
We don’t have to choose between gratitude and grief, appreciation and disappointment, or hope and uncertainty. Human beings are capable of holding seemingly contradictory emotions at the same time. And learning to make room for that complexity can be an important part of emotional resilience.
When Gratitude and Grief Share the Same Space
And then there’s grief. Grief has a way of becoming more noticeable during the holidays. An empty chair at the table. A familiar tradition that no longer feels quite the same. A person we wish we could call. A relationship that has changed. A chapter of life we didn’t realize we’d miss so much.
And sometimes we’re grieving things that don’t have a name or a ceremony. The life we imagined. The family dynamics we hoped would be different. The version of ourselves we used to be.
We can be deeply grateful for what remains while still aching for what we’ve lost.
And perhaps that’s one of the most important things to understand about grief: It doesn’t cancel out gratitude, and gratitude doesn’t erase grief. We don’t have to be thankful for the loss. We don’t have to find a lesson in the pain. We don’t have to rush toward acceptance or turn heartbreak into something beautiful.
Sometimes love and loss simply occupy the same space. And maybe the invitation this season isn’t to move beyond our grief, but to make room for it alongside everything else that is still good, meaningful, and alive in our lives. If you’re in a season of change, you may also find comfort in navigating life’s transitions with grace and compassion.
Maybe Gratitude Is About Making Room, Not Looking Away
What if we approached gratitude a little differently this November? Instead of asking ourselves to find something positive in every difficult experience, what if we simply practiced noticing what is true?
Perhaps you’re navigating a challenging relationship, and you’re grateful for the people who offer you genuine support. Perhaps you’re grieving someone you love, and you’re grateful for the memories you carry. Perhaps you’re exhausted by the responsibilities of your life, and you’re grateful for a quiet morning, a warm cup of coffee, or a few minutes when no one needs anything from you. Perhaps you’re in a season of uncertainty, and you’re grateful for the strength you’ve discovered in yourself along the way.
None of these expressions of gratitude requires us to deny the difficulty. They simply allow us to recognize that even within challenging experiences, moments of connection, beauty, meaning, and appreciation can still exist.
And sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the most honest thing we can say is: Today is hard. And that’s okay, too. Gratitude is an invitation, not an obligation.
A Different Kind of Gratitude Practice
This month, rather than immediately reaching for a list of things you’re grateful for, I’d like to invite you to begin somewhere else. Pause for a moment. Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your breath. Bring your awareness into your body. And gently ask yourself: What is true for me right now?
Not what should be true. Not what you wish were true. Not what you think you ought to be feeling. But what is actually here? Maybe it’s gratitude, exhaustion, or joy mixed with sadness.
Allow yourself to acknowledge it without needing to change it. And then, if it feels natural, ask: Is there something I can appreciate alongside what I’m experiencing?
Perhaps the warmth of the sun coming through the window. A conversation that made you feel understood. The comfort of your own home. A moment of laughter. The simple fact that you gave yourself permission to pause. Nothing grand. Nothing forced. Just something real.
Gratitude That Includes All of You
As we move toward Thanksgiving and the holiday season, I hope we can give ourselves permission to experience gratitude in a way that feels more honest and less performative. You don’t have to be happy all the time to be grateful. You don’t have to find meaning in every painful experience. You don’t have to turn every disappointment into a lesson. You don’t have to pretend everything is okay.
And you certainly don’t have to apologize for being human.
Perhaps the deepest expression of gratitude isn’t pretending that life is beautiful all the time. Perhaps it’s learning to recognize the beauty that exists alongside the messiness, uncertainty, heartbreak, and complexity of being alive. Not because everything is perfect. But because life is real. And so are you.
This season, may you give yourself permission to feel all of it. The gratitude, grief, joy, uncertainty, love, longing, fullness, and even the emptiness. There is room for all of it, and there is room for all of you.
With Gratitude & Grace,
XO, Jenn
